Category Archives: self improvement

15 MONEY AND BUSINESS LESSONS FROM TINDER SWINDLER. 

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Tinder swindler was full of financial abuse and there are so many lessons we can take from it. There wasn’t much that the tinder swindler did that was new, and some of the mistakes made by the women weren’t new either. This docuseries actually reinforced some of the money principles I have known all along but, to see them being applied and bearing fruit left me in awe. Take this as a refresher course in money 101. These lessons can be applied when dealing with family, friends, employers, employees and even business partners, not just romantic partners. They can also apply to life in general. 

Well, here are the lessons.

  1. Smart people get scammed too. Nobody is immune from scams. Anybody at any time can be swindled by anybody. It’s important to do your homework and not trust anybody blindly. Just because somebody is family or a professional doesn’t mean they can’t scam you. Even when you hire the best people. Don’t trust them blindly. Watch them like a hawk, these can be your bankers, lawyers stock brokers etc.
  2. Your education won’t protect you from poor money choices. Financial literacy is important. You are free to do with your money as you please but, you aren’t free from the consequences of your choices. 
  3. Invest in what you know. Nobody can handle your money better than you, because nobody cares about your money more than you do. If you don’t understand something do not invest in it. Learn as much as you can before you invest in anything. It isn’t a question of whether buying stocks is a good investment, or is real estate lucrative? It’s a question of, are you a good investor? A person that understands his or her field will make money in it, regardless of whether other people are making money in it or not. You shouldn’t feel pressured to invest quickly either. 
  4. Keep your finances private. Not everybody needs to know how much you have or else you set yourself up for financial abuse. Some friends and family are notorious for borrowing money that they don’t need and have no intention of paying back once they think you have money. Unknown cousins and uncles will suddenly pop up asking for money. 
  5. No is a complete sentence. Learn how to say no when you don’t feel comfortable giving away money. It’s your money, nobody is entitled to it but you. When somebody says I need money urgently, remember it’s their urgency, not yours.
  6. Don’t mix business with pleasure. When dealing with family, friends and partners don’t expect your money back. Only give money that you are willing to part with and never get back. Consider it a gift.
  7. Have passion and ambition about your finances. It’s interesting how these women were able to raise the money so quickly once they thought it was urgent. This goes to show you that what most people lack are ambition and passion. Also, banks are more than willing to give you money quickly, and truth be told banks want you to take out loans. 
  8. Don’t spend money you don’t have. Debt isn’t cool unless you are using it to make more money. In the end, banks always get their money back even if you were swindled.
  9. Show me your friends and I will show you your future. Who you marry or associate with has a direct impact on your finances. Be very picky about who you have around you.
  10. Never underestimate first impressions. Dress for the job you want. When you look like you have the money, you are more likely to convince people to buy your product or pay top dollar for your services. 
  11. Think like a success, act like a success. Confidence is everything when selling yourself or a product, be your best ambassador. Fake it till you make it. 
  12. Don’t believe everything you see on social media. Instagram pictures aren’t proof of assets.
  13. There is no free lunch. Everything comes at a price.  
  14. Know your target. Find a gap in the market and fulfil that need, and just like that, you are in business. The tinder swindler targeted women and appealed to their emotional needs. 
  15. Listen to your gut. If it doesn’t feel right maybe you shouldn’t proceed with it. 
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PRINCE CHARMING ISN’T COMING: WHY WOMEN NEED TO GET SMART ABOUT MONEY

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For a long time, it was a man’s job to manage the household finances. If it wasn’t the father, it was the husband or big brother or uncle or grandfather. Any man was good enough for the job. However, they didn’t always do a good job.

 It was almost taboo for women to be involved in money matters, and even though more women are making money today, fewer women are managing or investing. The dilemma is that most women are happy to let the man manage the finances not because they are incompetent but because they find it overbearing and foreign, like a fish out of water. It seems the more things change the more they stay the same.

Prince charming has been the most paralyzing myth that was ever sold to the female species. However, that’s a story for another day. Here are a few reasons why women need to actively take part in money management and investing.

  1. Women have more funds available to them today, by way of salaries inheritance gifts, etc., they have perfected the art of making money. So, they will be getting the money before they get the man.
  2. More women are getting married older. Most will have to manage money for a while before prince charming comes along.
  3. Some women have decided that marriage isn’t a priority. Therefore, they have to manage money.
  4. When the prince finally shows up, he may not have a clue on how to manage money.  He might even show up in a dress looking for a surrogate mother. Hence, the woman will have to take on that duty.
  5. Prince charming might be a fraudster, scammer, narcissistic, or con man and steal all the money.
  6. Divorce is real and some men will be looking forward to alimony payments. ie they want their women to pay them for having married them. There are also a lot of prenups nowadays and some aren’t in the woman’s best interests.
  7. Death happens and women are notorious for outliving their husbands, even their younger husbands. therefore, it’s not a matter of if the woman will be in charge of the household finances, but, a matter of when. unfortunately, most poor women are widows who were well off financially when their husbands were alive.
  8. Women are more likely to take on the responsibility of taking care of older parents and other older family members.
  9. Women tend to have a shorter work life span. due to factors like kids, family, gender discrimination at the workplace, unequal pay, etc
  10. More women are single mothers and have sole parental responsibility for their children. This calls for financial vigilance.
  11. Children are no longer a reliable retirement plan. gone are the days when children felt obliged to take care of their parents. they expect to be fund.

The good news is that women make better money managers. mainly because:

⦁They believe they don’t know enough, therefore; they are eager to learn, they are more attentive, they put in the hours and they do their homework.

⦁ They are more likely to seek expert advice whenever they don’t understand something, unlike their male counterparts who believe that asking equals stupid.

 You are the best person to take care of your finances not because you are the smartest but because you care the most- by Barbara Stanny, author of Prince Charming Isn’t Coming: How Women Get Smart About Money

17 Quotes About Money from #GirlBosses | Ellevate

WHY SOME PEOPLE CAN’T ACCEPT DEFEAT.

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After the antics of one Donald the Trump. I found myself asking why is it that some people can’t accept defeat. I know it’s painful but, I think it’s harder for some people, especially men. Although that’s a topic for another day. Other people despite the loss, do accept defeat and actually even go ahead to acknowledge the effort and hard work that the winner put in and offer genuine congratulations despite their disappointment.

This is what I’ve found out as to why some people can’t stand defeat and some of the characteristics they share.

  1. They consider themselves superior to everyone. Their ego stands in the way. Unfortunately, ego and logic don’t go hand in hand. People with ego can only accept that which they want. They see and believe only that which suits them.
  2. They fail to accept that failure is part and parcel of life. They want only the good and not the bad.
  3. They can’t accept that their effort wasn’t good enough. They feel cheated out of something that they believe they worked hard for.
  4. Some people on the other hand are just entitled. They believe that they should get something without working hard for it.
  5. They lack personal responsibility. Some don’t want to accept that they should have done more. These are the people that will see someone succeed at something and say, you are just lucky. They would rather defend their inaction than do something about it. They are the experts at backhanded compliments.
  6. They are uncomfortable with change and accepting defeat changes the status quo.
  7. They want to protect their self-esteem. Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves. Some people think that by accepting defeat they are siding with the other person and ganging upon themselves. So, they decide to stay put.
  8. They are pessimistic. They see defeat as permeant and as a reflection of themselves. They think accepting defeat equals defeated. 

It takes a person with strong character to gracefully accept defeat. It’s through failure that we learn our biggest lessons anyway.

HOW TO SHIFT YOUR FOCUS

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Sometimes life happens and things aren’t exactly going according to plan. Especially with COVID-19 in our midst things may feel a little off course. When you feel off take a step back breathe, slow down and relax. It’s time to re-plan, not to take things up a notch. It’s time to get yourself mentally out of the chaos and back on track.

These are the 4 steps to shifting your focus.

1. Gratitude

Gratitude and misery do not co-exist. You get rid of misery by being thankful. Being grateful shifts your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have. It places you in a position of abundance and humility instead of lack and entitlement.

Be grateful for family, health weather freedom etc

2.  Pride

Write down or think of things that you are proud of i.e., helping others, creativity, things that you do daily, your achievements, dreams and purpose. This reminds you of who you are and the great things you have accomplished in the past. This takes you from a place of self-doubt to a place of confidence.

Write things you have been through and survived and come out stronger. This places you in a position of strength and confidence. It also reminds you that you are a survivor and not a helpless victim and that its time to thrive.

3. Excitement

Write things you are excited about in your future. If you have nothing come up with something, after all, dreams are free.  Come up with things both big and small that will lift you, it can be going on vacation, having dinner at a posh restaurant or how you will start that business and become super-rich, to fixing your nails or starting a hobby or a project.

This moves you from frustration, stagnation and boredom to excitement happiness and hope.

4. Results

Write results that you are committed to achieving in the next week or 30 days or 3 months. Be it on a personal or professional level. This will give you purpose, something to look forward to instead of just having empty days.

When doing this don’t compare yourself to others. By all means, get inspiration but leave it at that.

Steve Maraboli Quote: “Once your mindset changes, everything on the outside will change along with it.” (9 wallpapers) - Quotefancy

HOW TO DECLUTTER AND ORGANIZE YOUR MIND: GET RID OF THE NOISE IN YOUR HEAD

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Sometimes we can have so much going on in one go. It might not be terrible or horrible things happening to us but there can be so much that we need to get done and other things that we are working towards and this can very easily lead to anxiety if not checked promptly.

Below are some of the tips and tactics I have used to declutter and organize my mind.

  1. Find a quiet space where you can meditate and think. If you are unable to find a quiet space then try earplugs. They do make a world of difference. You could also wake up early in the morning when everybody is asleep. This is a perfect time to meditate, pray and plan. You can also light a candle so that you can meditate more deeply.
  2. Have some positive affirmations that you say daily. The best times are before going to bed and in the morning when you wake up. You can also say them at various times during the day. Saying Positive affirmations is how you align your subconscious mind with what you want to achieve for example you can say I am capable of all I set out to achieve. I am strong smart and organized. Peace calm and serenity come to me easily. Remember negative thoughts are Satan’s way of acknowledging that you are onto good things. So, don’t stop, keep going.
  3. Write your goals and prioritize them. I.e. some may be short term or long-term goals. You can always review them at a later date. Be it weekly monthly or yearly. Writing on a book comp or phone gives you a visual picture. It makes it easy for you to prioritize.
  4. Have a plan. i.e. the actions you need to take to achieve your goals. This includes the habits you need to adopt and daily activities you need to undertake to achieve them. Read, watch YouTube videos that are relevant to what you are pursuing. Learn as much as you possibly can.
  5. Don’t waste your time in the name of chilling. There is a difference between relaxing and time-wasting. Indiscriminately watching Tv, social media and gossiping are the biggest culprits. When you are trying to declutter the last thing, you want to do is bring in more clutter and unnecessary noise.
  6. Have a daily to-do list. Written either the day before or early in the morning. So that you can at the very least have a sense of direction. This allows you to have the kind of day you want.  You get to decide how your day goes instead of life just happening and wondering how come time flies so fast.
  7. Be grateful. As cliché as this sounds it’s the quickest way to gain back control and cut out the noise. By being grateful you automatically move away from a place of lack to a place of abundance. It helps you see all the positive things that you weren’t even paying attention to. This gives you the calmness you need to declutter.
  8. Get rid of toxic people. The problem with toxic people is that they just can’t keep quiet. Sometimes all you need to do is get rid of them in whichever way that works for you. Most of the time when bad people leave your life bad things leave with them. And this might be all you need to do to declutter.
  9. Organize your physical space. This goes a long way. It gives you a clean space to sit and think after all your home is a living space, not a warehouse.
  10.  Avoid negative self-talk. Don’t say I am confused. I can’t get anything right. I am overwhelmed. Don’t even say them as a joke or in passing because They can quickly become self-fulfilling prophecies

Don’t say to yourself that which you don’t want others to say to you. Treat yourself like someone you care about.

Why you lose friends when you quit alcohol

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When I embarked on my journey towards sobriety, I never thought that I would lose friends in the process. I was more concerned about quitting alcohol and staying sober. However, there were more bumps to the journey than I had anticipated. I noticed very quickly that some of the people I called friends were not very supportive of my decision. At first, they were like “oh that’s great that’s really good, congrats, keep that up.” However, as days turned into months that changed. Some friends would be like are you sure you have quit?? Another mocked me and was like oh girl you are going to get so fat. You know drinking keeps you in shape. Or, are you quitting so that you can have a good girl image?

All these baffled me. I didn’t know that some people drank to stay skinny. As far as I was concerned, normal people that didn’t have alcohol problems drank socially to enjoy themselves. So yes, this goes to show you why I started losing friends.

In my opinion yes you do lose friends that you had no business being friends with from the very beginning. The right people will support you and celebrate you.

Alcohol has a way of getting you to do or say things you would never say or do if you are sober. The same goes for people you hang out with. I’ve seen men pick up girls and girls go home with men they would never have gone home with if they were sober. When you get sober you realize that you really don’t have much in common with your so-called friends. When you take time out to evaluate the friendship you are like what was I thinking being friends with them. Actually, you realize that they were drinking buddies that you confused for genuine friends. You might think that that’s not the case because you hang out frequently but, the truth is that alcoholics drink frequently. So, it’s no surprise that you saw each other frequently. You begin to realize that your whole friendship has been centred on alcohol and that you have nothing in common. You don’t share the same views on health, wealth, love, life, etc.

Below are some of the reasons why you begin to lose friends.

  • Your definition of friend changes.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, chances are your so-called friends are alcoholics as well. When you get sober, you quickly start to realize how flawed your definition of friends was. Being sober has that effect on you. You start to see things differently. You desire to have people around you that think like you. People that are more compatible with your goals and dreams. Unfortunately, drinking buddies just don’t cut it.

  • Your social life changes

As you embark on sobriety you will want to engage in activities that don’t involve drinking. Alcoholics are very goal-oriented people. They know exactly what they want and what takes priority over everything else and that is alcohol. Your drinking buddies will not be very willing to do none drinking activities with you.

  • Misery loves company

There’s nothing more comforting for an alcoholic than drinking with a fellow alcoholic. When you quit alcohol, you are taking their comfort away. So, they begin to resent you and this can quickly turn into jealousy. This happens when they have been struggling with alcoholism and they see you succeeding where they have failed. So, they get the impression that you are better than them. Despite the fact that being sober isn’t a competition. Believe it or not, some people have a way of resenting other people’s progress. They say you know your true friends when you are down but, you also know your true friends when you are winning. They don’t say it is lonely at the top for nothing. That saying is true.

  • Reality hits you harder

Being sober is like being woke. You suddenly come to the realization that your drunk friends are not as funny as you thought they were. Jokes that you found funny are now gross if not offensive. You begin to wonder, how on earth did I put up with this behaviour for so long. You soon realize you don’t like some people as much as you thought you did. All in all, losing friends isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you have to leave some people behind. A wise person once said “If you don’t lose friends when you change your life then, you are probably doing something wrong”.

–  Anonymous.

WHY MOST PEOPLE DON’T SUPPORT YOUR DREAMS

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If you have ever wanted to embark on something big, be it a new business, or a new career or an extreme weight loss program or even a hobby that will improve your life. You must have been very shocked when you told someone or everybody you told shot it down. It’s very confusing when you are on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. You will think, for once I have a brilliant idea, why can’t they just support me? You wonder why this happens. Unfortunately, this lack of support and criticism may be from your parents, partners, friends, haters, teachers, “mentors “, siblings are extremely notorious for this. Some will come up with a thousand ways why your idea is destined to fail. Some will laugh at you and dismiss you. The very toxic ones will humiliate you and embarrass you for even thinking you can do better.

These are the reasons they don’t support you. 

  • They mean well. This is true for parents who don’t support their children’s choice of careers. For example, they may believe that it’s better to be an accountant than to be a you- tuber. That’s because they are more comfortable with something tried and tested other than something new and unknown.
  • They are jealous and insecure. When you want to do better some people just can stand it. They feel as though their position is under threat and that they will no longer be relevant. Most of the time, people that criticize you, know your value even when you don’t. They forget that their jealousy doesn’t block your destiny. For example, in the bible, there is the story of David and his older brother Eliab. When Eliab heard that David was enquiring about Goliath and that he was having a good rapport with the soldiers he started to mock him and asked him who was taking care of the sheep and that he wasn’t a soldier and that he had no business being at the camp. Later, David became king of Israel and king over Eliabs.
  • They don’t understand your goal. This happens when you tell your friends about a business idea and they aren’t conversant with the industry. It’s like asking a cobbler to support and give you ideas on how to run a jewellery shop. You are better off discussing your plans with people that are already successful in the industry that you are interested in; they are better suited to giving you the support you need.
  • They have a scarcity mentality. When you have a grand idea that requires a lot of money it’s likely to scare people and most of them will advise you against investing that kind of money into a business or even on yourself. For example, they will not understand why you spend a lot of money on a luxury car when you could have donated the money to charity or invested it. They don’t believe in abundance; they don’t see how you could have that car, make worthwhile investments and donate to charity. They believe to have one you must pass on the other. 
  • You are looking for support from haters. These are downright toxic people who are committed to finding fault with everything you do. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for them. They are mainly strangers or people whose opinion doesn’t count but they have an opinion anyway. Ironically, their hate and criticism can work into challenging you to not only go far but to go further than they said you could.

The thing about dreams and ambitions is that they are given to us by a superpower. Be it God or the universe. Every person has a dream unique to the individual. Rarely will two people have the same passion or ambition, and even when they do, the expression of that dream differs from person to person. Dreams are given to you for a reason and a purpose. It’s up to you and only you to believe in them. Nobody else has the duty of believing in them. If everybody else had the duty of believing in them, it would have been given to them too. Most people don’t know or understand your dreams, because ambitions whisper, they don’t roar. They keep you awake at night until you turn them into reality. 

When people undermine your dreams, predict your doom or criticize you remember they are telling you their story, NOT YOURS–Cynthia Occelli.

AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU: THE GUILT TRIP

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If you have ever tried to cut ties with someone or the friendship or relationship just went cold, you must have heard things like, “after all, I’ve done for you” or “ you never know when I might be useful” or “my door is always open” after they have committed their atrocities. This is what a guilt trip looks like. Its manipulation and creates resentment. It is a form of psychological abuse.

Examples of guilt trips

  • Someone does something offensive and then gets offended that you are offended. Or acts a fool and pretends like they never did anything wrong and that you are at fault. They forgive you for getting angry at their nasty behaviour.
  • They try and make it look like they did you a favour when in reality there wasn’t much in it for you, and they proceed to act as though they never got anything out of it. A perfect example is when a mother tries to manipulate a child into doing something and they go like “I gave birth to you” for goodness sake the child was born without their permission they didn’t even sign up for it.
  • They make you feel like something is your fault when it isn’t. So that you can “fix” it by doing as they are demanding. Unfortunately, these demands usually come across as requests and that is why they are so convincing.

Characteristics of guilt trippers

  1. They have a desire to be needed. That’s why they say things like, you never know when you will need me. These are people that are happy when you fail. They sit and eagerly await your downfall so that you can go back crying to them for help.
  2. They are insecure and feel unworthy They need to preach their worth. They want to be considered worthy even when they aren’t. That’s why they use phrases like, you never know when I might be useful to you.
  3. They are selfish. These are people who are only friends with you because of what they think they can get from you. They have no idea what true friendship is. They don’t mind sugar-coating the truth if it will get them what they want.
  4. They have a sense of entitlement They forget that friendship with anyone is a privilege and not a right. They believe that their friends owe them something or that they can make demands on them.
  5. They lack accountability. If they do something, and it doesn’t go according to plan, they will pin it on you. They will never accept the role they played that brought about the conflict and the only way to make it right according to them is to give in to their demands as usual.
  6. They aren’t genuine. They eagerly wait for you to be in trouble or need help so that they can use your situation to their advantage. What you see isn’t what you get and they are dishonest as well. 

How to deal with them

1. Don’t give in to their demands.

When dealing with guilt trippers you have to put a stop to it because they won’t. They are morally bankrupt, so don’t expect them to stop. When you give in to their demands the first time they will keep demanding, it’s a never-ending cycle. 

2. Consider their deeds paid in full.

 If they give you anything consider it a gift and appreciate it. If they expect something in return then that is business, that isn’t help and they shouldn’t trick you into thinking that they helped you because they didn’t. They did so for their own selfish needs. Instead of trapping you into something you had no idea about, they should have stated what they wanted in return from the beginning. 

3. Don’t make it your problem.

Don’t get mad and don’t get your feelings hurt. They are who they are. Nothing you do will be enough for them. If you get hurt then you are making it your problem. You are allowing them to project their insecurities on you.

4. Feel free to cut them off.

You don’t need them. Your sanity isn’t negotiable. Anything or anyone that threatens your sanity isn’t needed. If you managed to get out of a situation or friendship that was draining you, remember God will not allow you to crawl back to the hell hole, he dragged you from. If you ever need someone, he will send someone better your way.

 No one meant to be in your life will ever require you to betray yourself to keep them. – Anonymous  

  • For any further enquiries or if there is anything you would like me to address feel free to email me at knightlady039@gmail.com or leave a  comment.

SUCCESS LESSONS I LEARNT FROM ALCOHOLISM

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I once heard someone say “if you could run your life how you run your mouth you would be very successful.” That got me thinking if I had pursued success the same way I pursued alcohol then I would have been very successful. As a veteran, due to my long-standing engagement with the tipple, these are the valuable lessons I have learnt from alcohol with regards to success.

Get like-minded people. 

When I was drinking, I only wanted drinkers around me. I was suspicious of anybody that didn’t drink. It’s the same with success, get people that want success as badly as you do. 

  • Hang out in the right places.

If you want to drink and have good drinking company you always have to be up to date with places that are happening. With success, you have to go where the big shots are so that you can network and market whatever services or products you wish to sell.

  • Educate yourself.

I always knew the perfect remedies for hangovers and what drinks to avoid. In business, you have to do your homework and know what deals are good for you and which aren’t.

  • No matter how bad or embarrassing things get don’t give up. 

I’ve seen people do some really stupid things when they are drunk and they swore that they will never drink again but, then they were soon back at it. No matter how many setbacks you suffer in achieving your goals keep going.

  • Don’t listen to anybody that tries to distract you from your success.

Have you ever tried telling an alcoholic that maybe they should go easy on the drink? Or that you are concerned about them? They get so angry and they come up with all the excuses in the world as to how they are okay. The same principle applies to your goals and your dreams. If anybody tries to tell you how your idea won’t work don’t listen, get mad, get rid of them and most importantly remind yourself over and over again why it will work.

  • Don’t underestimate humble beginnings. 

All alcohol addicts started with a sip. That’s all it takes. With enough persistence and patience even, water will cut through stone. Same with success. If you keep at it no matter how small the effort is you will reap the rewards.

  • Keep your differences aside.

Whenever alcohol was present it was the ultimate pain killer, I saw people who couldn’t stand each other come together and enjoy a drink. In business and success, you have to put your issues aside and focus on the money and the business deals. There is no real friendship in business just the same way your drinking buddies aren’t your real friends. There are no enemies either. Anyone that gets you closer to your goal is good.

  • Don’t let money be an obstacle. 

Ever noticed how the loudest and drunkest people at a table aren’t the ones paying for their drinks? Well, they say free beer is sweet. Even in business, you can always pitch your idea to someone with funds.

  • Find every excuse in the world to go after what you want.

Alcoholics have the most hilarious excuses as to why they need a drink and why they should drink at any time of the day they want. My favourite was, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere in the world I might as well get started.

If you are blind to your weaknesses you will be blind to your strengths. – Anonymous