Why you lose friends when you quit alcohol

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When I embarked on my journey towards sobriety, I never thought that I would lose friends in the process. I was more concerned about quitting alcohol and staying sober. However, there were more bumps to the journey than I had anticipated. I noticed very quickly that some of the people I called friends were not very supportive of my decision. At first, they were like “oh that’s great that’s really good, congrats, keep that up.” However, as days turned into months that changed. Some friends would be like are you sure you have quit?? Another mocked me and was like oh girl you are going to get so fat. You know drinking keeps you in shape. Or, are you quitting so that you can have a good girl image?

All these baffled me. I didn’t know that some people drank to stay skinny. As far as I was concerned, normal people that didn’t have alcohol problems drank socially to enjoy themselves. So yes, this goes to show you why I started losing friends.

In my opinion yes you do lose friends that you had no business being friends with from the very beginning. The right people will support you and celebrate you.

Alcohol has a way of getting you to do or say things you would never say or do if you are sober. The same goes for people you hang out with. I’ve seen men pick up girls and girls go home with men they would never have gone home with if they were sober. When you get sober you realize that you really don’t have much in common with your so-called friends. When you take time out to evaluate the friendship you are like what was I thinking being friends with them. Actually, you realize that they were drinking buddies that you confused for genuine friends. You might think that that’s not the case because you hang out frequently but, the truth is that alcoholics drink frequently. So, it’s no surprise that you saw each other frequently. You begin to realize that your whole friendship has been centred on alcohol and that you have nothing in common. You don’t share the same views on health, wealth, love, life, etc.

Below are some of the reasons why you begin to lose friends.

  • Your definition of friend changes.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, chances are your so-called friends are alcoholics as well. When you get sober, you quickly start to realize how flawed your definition of friends was. Being sober has that effect on you. You start to see things differently. You desire to have people around you that think like you. People that are more compatible with your goals and dreams. Unfortunately, drinking buddies just don’t cut it.

  • Your social life changes

As you embark on sobriety you will want to engage in activities that don’t involve drinking. Alcoholics are very goal-oriented people. They know exactly what they want and what takes priority over everything else and that is alcohol. Your drinking buddies will not be very willing to do none drinking activities with you.

  • Misery loves company

There’s nothing more comforting for an alcoholic than drinking with a fellow alcoholic. When you quit alcohol, you are taking their comfort away. So, they begin to resent you and this can quickly turn into jealousy. This happens when they have been struggling with alcoholism and they see you succeeding where they have failed. So, they get the impression that you are better than them. Despite the fact that being sober isn’t a competition. Believe it or not, some people have a way of resenting other people’s progress. They say you know your true friends when you are down but, you also know your true friends when you are winning. They don’t say it is lonely at the top for nothing. That saying is true.

  • Reality hits you harder

Being sober is like being woke. You suddenly come to the realization that your drunk friends are not as funny as you thought they were. Jokes that you found funny are now gross if not offensive. You begin to wonder, how on earth did I put up with this behaviour for so long. You soon realize you don’t like some people as much as you thought you did. All in all, losing friends isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you have to leave some people behind. A wise person once said “If you don’t lose friends when you change your life then, you are probably doing something wrong”.

–  Anonymous.

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WHEN A MAN HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS FAMILY AND HIS SPOUSE: I CHOOSE YOU

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Most new couples will at some point in their relationship find that they have to choose between their families and their spouses. I believe this was the case with Harry and Meghan when they made their decision to back down from active royal duties. Harry was saying to the world that if he has to choose between his wife and the royal family, he is choosing Meghan and their son. Whether or not it is a smart move, it says a lot about his character and that he takes his commitment to his family very seriously.

However, most people will argue that Harry is just a puppet and that Meghan pulls all the strings. Unfortunately, when a man does what is best for his wife, people have a way of blaming the woman for the man’s decision. When a man puts the needs of his wife above his own, society has a way of turning it around and make the man look like he is a weakling. While in reality, it takes a very brave man to stand up for his partner regardless of the backlash he might face. Women have been conditioned to put everyone’s needs above their own. Their needs don’t count, almost as if to say, how dare women have any needs. Most have been brought up to believe that a woman should be in servitude to her family. Women will sacrifice their careers, their time, their sleep, they will neglect their looks, their bodies, some will not even eat until everyone has had their fill. A woman is praised for being strong when she ignores her own needs, but, one can only operate in this mode for so long before they reach a breaking point. 

Meghan was newly engaged, not long after she was newly married and became a mother. These are life-changing events that take a lot from a person and right now her mental health is a top priority. The media didn’t help matters much. Even in her pregnancy, she wasn’t immune from the trolls. They would pick apart her outfits and criticize her for wearing heels and please don’t even get me started on the fact that the media had an issue with her cradling her baby bump. That’s a disgustingly low blow even for a lowlife. A pregnant woman shouldn’t be humiliated or feel embarrassed about how and when she chooses to bond with her unborn child. Whether or not she is a celebrity. 

A man has the duty of providing and protecting his family in all aspects i.e. financially, physically and emotionally. The mental health and happiness of his partner are non-negotiable. If anything threatens their peace and sanity then it has to go. Especially when she is a mother because a child’s happiness is very much linked to their mother’s happiness. 

Someone once said to me, “if I talk to someone and I get a headache, it doesn’t matter whether they are right and I am wrong, that conversation is over.” Looking back, it’s all about having the guts to put yourself first regardless of the consequences. It’s the art of choosing you. There will always be so much of the world and it’s easy to feel lost in it and its expectations. The only person watching out for you is you, and having a partner that chooses you over everyone else is the icing on the cake. 

 #selfcareisntselfish 

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WHY MOST PEOPLE DON’T SUPPORT YOUR DREAMS

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If you have ever wanted to embark on something big, be it a new business, or a new career or an extreme weight loss program or even a hobby that will improve your life. You must have been very shocked when you told someone or everybody you told shot it down. It’s very confusing when you are on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. You will think, for once I have a brilliant idea, why can’t they just support me? You wonder why this happens. Unfortunately, this lack of support and criticism may be from your parents, partners, friends, haters, teachers, “mentors “, siblings are extremely notorious for this. Some will come up with a thousand ways why your idea is destined to fail. Some will laugh at you and dismiss you. The very toxic ones will humiliate you and embarrass you for even thinking you can do better.

These are the reasons they don’t support you. 

  • They mean well. This is true for parents who don’t support their children’s choice of careers. For example, they may believe that it’s better to be an accountant than to be a you- tuber. That’s because they are more comfortable with something tried and tested other than something new and unknown.
  • They are jealous and insecure. When you want to do better some people just can stand it. They feel as though their position is under threat and that they will no longer be relevant. Most of the time, people that criticize you, know your value even when you don’t. They forget that their jealousy doesn’t block your destiny. For example, in the bible, there is the story of David and his older brother Eliab. When Eliab heard that David was enquiring about Goliath and that he was having a good rapport with the soldiers he started to mock him and asked him who was taking care of the sheep and that he wasn’t a soldier and that he had no business being at the camp. Later, David became king of Israel and king over Eliabs.
  • They don’t understand your goal. This happens when you tell your friends about a business idea and they aren’t conversant with the industry. It’s like asking a cobbler to support and give you ideas on how to run a jewellery shop. You are better off discussing your plans with people that are already successful in the industry that you are interested in; they are better suited to giving you the support you need.
  • They have a scarcity mentality. When you have a grand idea that requires a lot of money it’s likely to scare people and most of them will advise you against investing that kind of money into a business or even on yourself. For example, they will not understand why you spend a lot of money on a luxury car when you could have donated the money to charity or invested it. They don’t believe in abundance; they don’t see how you could have that car, make worthwhile investments and donate to charity. They believe to have one you must pass on the other. 
  • You are looking for support from haters. These are downright toxic people who are committed to finding fault with everything you do. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for them. They are mainly strangers or people whose opinion doesn’t count but they have an opinion anyway. Ironically, their hate and criticism can work into challenging you to not only go far but to go further than they said you could.

The thing about dreams and ambitions is that they are given to us by a superpower. Be it God or the universe. Every person has a dream unique to the individual. Rarely will two people have the same passion or ambition, and even when they do, the expression of that dream differs from person to person. Dreams are given to you for a reason and a purpose. It’s up to you and only you to believe in them. Nobody else has the duty of believing in them. If everybody else had the duty of believing in them, it would have been given to them too. Most people don’t know or understand your dreams, because ambitions whisper, they don’t roar. They keep you awake at night until you turn them into reality. 

When people undermine your dreams, predict your doom or criticize you remember they are telling you their story, NOT YOURS–Cynthia Occelli.

AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU: THE GUILT TRIP

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If you have ever tried to cut ties with someone or the friendship or relationship just went cold, you must have heard things like, “after all, I’ve done for you” or “ you never know when I might be useful” or “my door is always open” after they have committed their atrocities. This is what a guilt trip looks like. Its manipulation and creates resentment. It is a form of psychological abuse.

Examples of guilt trips

  • Someone does something offensive and then gets offended that you are offended. Or acts a fool and pretends like they never did anything wrong and that you are at fault. They forgive you for getting angry at their nasty behaviour.
  • They try and make it look like they did you a favour when in reality there wasn’t much in it for you, and they proceed to act as though they never got anything out of it. A perfect example is when a mother tries to manipulate a child into doing something and they go like “I gave birth to you” for goodness sake the child was born without their permission they didn’t even sign up for it.
  • They make you feel like something is your fault when it isn’t. So that you can “fix” it by doing as they are demanding. Unfortunately, these demands usually come across as requests and that is why they are so convincing.

Characteristics of guilt trippers

  1. They have a desire to be needed. That’s why they say things like, you never know when you will need me. These are people that are happy when you fail. They sit and eagerly await your downfall so that you can go back crying to them for help.
  2. They are insecure and feel unworthy They need to preach their worth. They want to be considered worthy even when they aren’t. That’s why they use phrases like, you never know when I might be useful to you.
  3. They are selfish. These are people who are only friends with you because of what they think they can get from you. They have no idea what true friendship is. They don’t mind sugar-coating the truth if it will get them what they want.
  4. They have a sense of entitlement They forget that friendship with anyone is a privilege and not a right. They believe that their friends owe them something or that they can make demands on them.
  5. They lack accountability. If they do something, and it doesn’t go according to plan, they will pin it on you. They will never accept the role they played that brought about the conflict and the only way to make it right according to them is to give in to their demands as usual.
  6. They aren’t genuine. They eagerly wait for you to be in trouble or need help so that they can use your situation to their advantage. What you see isn’t what you get and they are dishonest as well. 

How to deal with them

1. Don’t give in to their demands.

When dealing with guilt trippers you have to put a stop to it because they won’t. They are morally bankrupt, so don’t expect them to stop. When you give in to their demands the first time they will keep demanding, it’s a never-ending cycle. 

2. Consider their deeds paid in full.

 If they give you anything consider it a gift and appreciate it. If they expect something in return then that is business, that isn’t help and they shouldn’t trick you into thinking that they helped you because they didn’t. They did so for their own selfish needs. Instead of trapping you into something you had no idea about, they should have stated what they wanted in return from the beginning. 

3. Don’t make it your problem.

Don’t get mad and don’t get your feelings hurt. They are who they are. Nothing you do will be enough for them. If you get hurt then you are making it your problem. You are allowing them to project their insecurities on you.

4. Feel free to cut them off.

You don’t need them. Your sanity isn’t negotiable. Anything or anyone that threatens your sanity isn’t needed. If you managed to get out of a situation or friendship that was draining you, remember God will not allow you to crawl back to the hell hole, he dragged you from. If you ever need someone, he will send someone better your way.

 No one meant to be in your life will ever require you to betray yourself to keep them. – Anonymous  

  • For any further enquiries or if there is anything you would like me to address feel free to email me at knightlady039@gmail.com or leave a  comment.

SUCCESS LESSONS I LEARNT FROM ALCOHOLISM

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I once heard someone say “if you could run your life how you run your mouth you would be very successful.” That got me thinking if I had pursued success the same way I pursued alcohol then I would have been very successful. As a veteran, due to my long-standing engagement with the tipple, these are the valuable lessons I have learnt from alcohol with regards to success.

Get like-minded people. 

When I was drinking, I only wanted drinkers around me. I was suspicious of anybody that didn’t drink. It’s the same with success, get people that want success as badly as you do. 

  • Hang out in the right places.

If you want to drink and have good drinking company you always have to be up to date with places that are happening. With success, you have to go where the big shots are so that you can network and market whatever services or products you wish to sell.

  • Educate yourself.

I always knew the perfect remedies for hangovers and what drinks to avoid. In business, you have to do your homework and know what deals are good for you and which aren’t.

  • No matter how bad or embarrassing things get don’t give up. 

I’ve seen people do some really stupid things when they are drunk and they swore that they will never drink again but, then they were soon back at it. No matter how many setbacks you suffer in achieving your goals keep going.

  • Don’t listen to anybody that tries to distract you from your success.

Have you ever tried telling an alcoholic that maybe they should go easy on the drink? Or that you are concerned about them? They get so angry and they come up with all the excuses in the world as to how they are okay. The same principle applies to your goals and your dreams. If anybody tries to tell you how your idea won’t work don’t listen, get mad, get rid of them and most importantly remind yourself over and over again why it will work.

  • Don’t underestimate humble beginnings. 

All alcohol addicts started with a sip. That’s all it takes. With enough persistence and patience even, water will cut through stone. Same with success. If you keep at it no matter how small the effort is you will reap the rewards.

  • Keep your differences aside.

Whenever alcohol was present it was the ultimate pain killer, I saw people who couldn’t stand each other come together and enjoy a drink. In business and success, you have to put your issues aside and focus on the money and the business deals. There is no real friendship in business just the same way your drinking buddies aren’t your real friends. There are no enemies either. Anyone that gets you closer to your goal is good.

  • Don’t let money be an obstacle. 

Ever noticed how the loudest and drunkest people at a table aren’t the ones paying for their drinks? Well, they say free beer is sweet. Even in business, you can always pitch your idea to someone with funds.

  • Find every excuse in the world to go after what you want.

Alcoholics have the most hilarious excuses as to why they need a drink and why they should drink at any time of the day they want. My favourite was, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere in the world I might as well get started.

If you are blind to your weaknesses you will be blind to your strengths. – Anonymous

RELATIONSHIP TIME BANDITS

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A relationship time bandit is one who enters into a relationship with no intention of ever committing. They want the full benefits that come with a relationship or marriage without ever committing.

Well here is a story. There was a girl named *Tanya who met and fell in love with a boy called *Max. Despite the fact that Max was well into his 20s, something about him hadn’t developed properly. He lacked the emotional maturity expected of someone his age. He dated Tanya for sixteen years then dumped her. Apparently he got bored. Well, that is what I call abuse. Abuse of time…..time wasters …..relationship time bandits.

It’s about time that women take control of relationships, after all we attract what we reflect. Any woman that wants a serious relationship should make it well known to the guy in advance. If the man is a time waster she will know and he will most probably not stick around for long. It’s like going to delete someone on Facebook only to find that they have already deleted you…….that’s when I say …the trash finally grew some brains and took itself out. I believe that women get it wrong when they date a man for a long period of time without ever knowing where the relationship is headed. Dating a man for years is no guarantee that the relationship will materialise into marriage.

Sometimes when people date for long it does materialise into marriage but at times it doesn’t. Unfortunately, it’s a man’s world. When a man dates a woman for a long period of time he can always go ahead and date an even younger and hotter woman. However, that isn’t always the case with women. Most women still prefer to date and marry more mature men. Men that are emotionally and financially stable. However, such kind of stability comes mainly with age and this in turn shrinks the dating pool of older women. Also not to mention that most women are concerned about the medical complications and risks involved with having kids at a later age…..for example at 40. The good news is that with technology and medical improvements more and more women are able to get kids at a later age. Despite all these improvements, most women would rather get their babies earlier in life. At the end of it all it’s the woman who mainly stands to lose.

The major signs that you are dealing with a time bandit:
• He will make you wretched. He will use you as a booty call for as long as he can.
• He will not let you meet his family or friends. If you meet his friends they will not know the role you play in his life ie side chic, booty call, friends with benefits etc
• He will ensure that you have no role in his life. He won’t give you the keys to his house or allow you at his work place. He will make sure that you are irrelevant.

However, there are other time bandits that have perfected the art of deception. The ones that let you move in with them and even dangle an engagement ring in your face. Now these are the veterans of the game. The ultimate time wasters. They will use you in every way possible. They will let you play wife and the scam of them all will even dig into your pocket. They are so shameless and they actually expect the woman to contribute or take care of them financially and when they finally dump the girl she walks away with nothing. No alimony, just wasted years and empty pockets, if not serious debts.
So my advice is that women should say what they want. They should not be afraid to air their expectations and they should do it as soon as they possibly can. After all there is nothing to lose. Anyone who doesn’t give you a commitment within a reasonable time for no apparent reason isn’t worth your time. He isn’t worth your youth and especially not worth a decade of your life.

*For purposes of this article the real names of the parties have been changed to protect the identities of the people in question